For the Moments I Feel Faint... instead of Faith

So I was pretty sure that I was going to be gone for about six to eight weeks this summer. Today I was beginning to write my support letter and got to a part where I wanted to say how long I was going to be gone... funny part was that I didn't know. So I called AIM and got forwarded to the short term secretary, Corola. She told me that Rae hadn't solidified the times yet, but the educated guess was about three weeks in all. I politely said thank you and got off the phone.

I was upset and ready to call back and let them know that I didn't think I would be going on that particular trip because with the amount of support that I have to raise, plus the preparation that I have been working on to be gone all summer, plus I thought that I could be used better, for a longer period of time. Why would this happen this way, this isn't what I wanted.

It took a little while, but I eventually came back to God's will and his sovereign goodness over everything. I said yes to His choice for me and said, whatever happens, God is good. I still wasn't content in my heart, but I knew that whether my stubborn heart liked it or not, I was going to Senegal.

Not very long after that Jared Weston, a brother of mine, posted this back, "Something we need to be reminded of every moment of the day." This was encouraging, which meant I was going in the right direction, God still speaks.

I started to realize how pride filled my thoughts about this whole time thing had been that morning. God revealed to me that I would be really lucky if I came out of Senegal with an ounce of emotional, physical or any other type of energy or strength left within me, and what was left would be non-existent apart from Him. I told Him that I would keep pouring and rely on Him for the refilling process. But man, I was ready to scratch that today, and now I feel really faithless for thinking that.

God is outside of time, and three weeks will most likely seem like an entire lifetime to me while I am gone, because I will be on His time, not the world's or my own. God is able to do what I think would take me eight weeks in three weeks. He really is. I pray that these impurities will be burned out of me. Even as I am beginning this week physically ill and emotionally drained, I still wanted it my way and not His. His will has it right, and that is what I am going to follow as He teaches me exactly what that looks like.

A few hours later, when God and I had struggled through all of this, and I had gotten back on the altar as His living sacrifice, God spoke to my heart again through Jared again. Jared posted Daniel 11:35 on his status. Daniel 11:35 says, "Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified and made spotless until the time of the end, for it will still come at the appointed time." Praise God. I am praying now that God will give me the courage to remain on the altar.